The Last Legion - Review

The Last Legion opens with a young boy following a Roman soldier into his tent and admiring his sword. The Roman, who is actually not just a soldier, but the commander of the Roman army, thinks the boy is a thief and threatens to cut his hand off as penalty for his sneakiness. If only he had cut the boy’s hand off, we could have been spared the two hours that followed.

Instead, the boy is revealed to be Romulus Augustus (Thomas Sangster), the last in the line of Julius Caesar and the new Roman Empire. Unfortunately this is right as the empire is crumbling and young Romulus is soon on the run from the Goths and some other guy in a golden mask named Vortgyn. We know old Vort is evil since he wears a golden mask. With the aid of the Roman Commander Aurelius (Colin Firth) and an old mystical philosopher (Ben Kingsley), Romulus seeks out the powerful sword of Caesar and makes a stand against the forces against him. Let’s see… child ruler… golden mask… wise old sage character… and a powerful sword… where have I heard this before?

That’s right – the premise of the movie is that the sword of Julius Caesar is also the sword that would reveal the once and future king of England. The movie tries its best to make sure the audience is aware of that concept by directly referring to Excalibur with the bookend open and close of the movie, as well as using a similar framework for its story. It’s an idea that could have been rather slyly executed, but all the references are so overt all possible cleverness is quickly removed.

The film has trouble finding a genre to fit into. For an action flick, there’s an awful lot of time spent talking about politics and attempting to set the stage for a vast setting around the movie. There’s so much talking at times, you wish everyone would just shut up and fight. Then the fighting begins and the fight choreography is so horrid you wish everyone would go back to the talking again. At least with the talking you can take a nap. At the same time, from cringeworthy fighting styles to fantastical weapons such as the rocket launcher style multiple arrow launcher, the environment is too outlandish for this to be historical fiction, which could have saved the story from the need for building the setting so much. It’s just a wash. The movie tries to fit into several genres and winds up not belonging anywhere.

The sword-and-sandal genre hasn’t had much success recently. Troy and Kingdom of Heaven may have been off course, but at least with those movies there was some eye candy for the audience. Here you have Colin Firth, who looks as rugged as Commander Aurelius as you might hope for the Bridget Jones actor, but he doesn’t carry the part with the feeling of any experience for the character. The guys get a bit of a visual treat with Mira (Aishwarya Rai), a warrior maiden who has a forced romantic relationship with Firth. The problem is that every time she shows up it’s an instant reminder of how far fetched the story goes. Given her character’s ridiculous combat moves and equally absurd weapons, it should come as no surprise that director Doug Leftler’s previous experience highlights include “Hercules: The Legendary Journeys” and “Xena: Warrior Princess.” While we're speaking about the cast, would someone please tell Ben Kingsley to hang it up and retire? His appearance in a movie is rapidly becoming a sign of avoidance rather than the audience draw he used to be.

The Last Legion isn’t a step in the right direction for sword-and-sandal flicks. In fact, this is probably the worst entry in the genre in recent memory, competing with Pathfinder for worst sword flick this year. Follow in the footsteps of The Last Legion and make this movie your last pick.

You Kill Me - Review

A lot of talented actors come together in the gangster comedy You Kill Me, but they're so underused it's, well, criminal. Even the incomparable Ben Kingsley, who stars as Frank Falenczyk, an alcoholic hit man for Buffalo's Polish mob sent by his angry boss (Philip Baker Hall) to dry out in San Francisco, never seems quite sure how to play his quirky role. On the other hand, maybe it's just the part itself, as written by Christopher Markus and Stephen McFeely, which feels inconsistent and unsatisfying. It's another case of plopping an audience into someone's very screwed up life without much explanation as to how he got there. In a post-Tony Soprano world, we're used to our gangsters having more specific psychological underpinnings than the what-you-see-is-what-you-get Frank. Though, in many ways, Frank is more down to earth than most parts Kingsley usually plays, the 60-ish actor may just be too mature--and too innately wise--to be fully convincing; it's a sympathetic performance, but he's ultimately miscast.

Better cast, but even less dimensional, is co-star Tea Leoni as Laurel, an attractive woman Frank meets at the funeral home where he works as part of his rehab. Aside from implications that her just-departed stepfather was a prick and that she suffers from "boundary issues" (whatever they are) we have no idea what makes this mouthy chick tick. For an actress of Leoni's stature and ability, it's a real nothing part. In addition, the romance that develops between Laurel and Frank might be logical (i.e., two adrift people brought together by happenstance), but it's not particularly believable. The considerable age difference between the two doesn't help either.

Then there's the ubiquitous Luke Wilson, who plays Frank's laid-back AA sponsor Tom, a smallish role that's more of a placeholder than a fully realized character. Like Laurel, Tom is all present and no past. He's gay, but for no apparent reason (other than maybe because we're in San Francisco where it's still perceived every guy is gay), and a Golden Gate Bridge toll collector--and that's it. Given how often Frank falls off the wagon, Tom doesn't seem like a very effective sponsor either.

Other fine acting folks zip in and out of the picture, like Bill Pullman (what happened to his career?), in a thankless part as a sleazy Realtor hired to keep an eye on Frank while he's holed up in the Bay Area. Dennis Farina does the slick hoodlum bit as the head of Buffalo's competing Irish mob, while the appealing Marcus Thomas (who's been seen in indies like Edmond and Bigger Than the Sky) has a hangdog sweetness as Frank's cousin and co-gangster Stef. You can't fault the cast here, just the thin material they're given to inhabit.

At the helm of this tepid stew is John Dahl, a talented, versatile director, who's never quite repeated the promise of his first two films, the acclaimed thrillers Red Rock West and The Last Seduction. He's closer here to the dark, offbeat territory mined in those movies than in subsequent studio duds like Unforgettable, Joy Ride, and The Great Raid (Rounders, arguably his most enjoyable film, fell somewhere in the middle). Dahl, greatly assisted by the eye-catching work of vet cinematographer Jeffrey Jur, has crafted a stylish-looking piece but, unfortunately, can't keep up the movie's initial spirited pace. Halfway through, it turns poky and dull (and forget about the comedy, that's long gone), re-energized only by a final, perfunctory shootout. Dahl also spends way too much time on the AA elements of the story, which, while emotionally resonant, give the film a more pedestrian feel than could've possibly been anyone's goal.